So, um

Not that anyone still reads this, but I write at Little White Earbuds now. Go there!

Parking tickets

It's been a long time (shouldn't have left you), but it's time for another pop rant. KissFM totally has a section on their site called Ki$$ Ka$h Klub. Collar pulls for all! Let's get it.

James Blunt "You're Beautiful": I didn't think someone could out-limp Coldplay's new record, but this guy's got it covered. He's got nephews writing lyrics for him too. Weepy girls and high school proms are still stoked. It's almost not even fair to pick on something so simple and meant for lowest common denominator radio play. Whether or not Mr. Blunt knows it is besides the point.

Fort Minor, Holly Brook & Jonan Matranga "Where'd You Go": Whoa, phonecall. With the volume back up, it's evident I missed nothing. Mike Shinoda emo raps about his girl and her career (well shit, man, is it a surprise everyone wants you to quit your day job) with such clunk, Atmosphere is looking good (*shudder*).

Fall Out Boy "Dance Dance": Better than their newest single, but I'll be damned if I want to still hear it. Moving on.

Rihanna "S.O.S": The guys of Soft Cell are buying their significant others something expensive right now. Amazingly, I've actually had to point out the direct sample to people, "Oh yeah, I guess that is 'Tainted Love.'" What the fuck else does it sound like? Rihanna is a little sultry, if sleepy. She could sell it a little more, don't you think?

Daddy Yankee "Gasolina": Today it seems fair to brag about having gas; I know my broke ass doesn't. I could do without Lil' Jon screaming "skeet skeet skeet!" Now the djs are screaming about how their station is giving away free gas, blrg.

Ne-Yo "So Sick": I love the approach of this song: a sad song that isn't slow and mopey! The snaps on two and four, along with alternating bass drum push things along nicely. This is male-sung r&b's response to the rap airwaves. What a great adaptation.

All-American Rejects "Move Along": I don't know if I misheard this song before or if it's been remixed for radio play, but there are five or six unnecessary layers added. Instead of a straight forward pop rock song, it's got pointless echos and vocal exercises jammed inside. They even manage to fit a choir in the bridge, which is almost as gimmicky as "live" gang vocals. I'm glad dinner is ready, because this station sucks to listen to. If only Power92 was online...

We want pre-nups! (yeah!)

Had to spend a good 10 minutes nosing around trying to figure out if Peoria has any pop radio stations online. Answer: no. Was a little worried Kiss FM in Chicago would be boring and checked out their L.A.-sister station; it's all samey-same anyways. It's cool, just need some practice anyways.

Rihanna "Pon de Replay": Replay is right. There's a lot going on while maintaining an open-air, out of doors feel. Hoola skirts and firetasters not included. Light and dissolveable like homespun cotton candy. What else hasn't been said about this?

D.H.T. "Listen to Your Heart": Hasn't this awkward slow dance ended yet, talent show run out of braces-wielding contestants? Is the radio dictated by budding 12 year old girls or uptight execs? Love, love, LOVE to see a bunch of suits huddled around a single mic belting this out at Karaoke Night. Then to slap them with a mallard duck.

Jagged Edge "Where the Party At?": Can we just have more of that twibbling guitar? The tightly-drawn rubbaband is sharp in the nicest way. Same with that piano bridge, all hot Miami nights on ya. Fuckin' shame this was four years ago.

Mariah Carey "Shake It Off": I blame "Diddy" and R.Kelly for this. Carey finally sings hard enough to surpass a whisper and she's on this half-assed stutter step beat. The rap singing is so Kels too, so effortless. Doesn't anyone feel inclined to try their own way of singing? Subjecting people to this zzzzflow is akin to your great aunt's stories about her cats.

Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell "Drop It Like It's Hot": At least Snoop's last relevant single is still relevant, if a little stale. Stale might not be the word; no, it's worn out. Even the greatest pair of socks in the world gets a little thin after repeated wears.

Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down": So nice to see locals making good. Production is steak thick! Their last record was so much thinner and even; this one makes you wait a bit longer for the goods. Easily my favorite radio single of the moment. Shame I'll miss their VMA performance.

Lifehouse "You and Me": If "You and Me" was written by aging hair-metalers I would be all over this. The writing is so over the top bad, so "written for your gf's birthday" that it needs a cloud of hairspray to keep from breaking down. Lifehouse will be the band whose album you'll never be able to sell.


Frankie J. "How to Deal": Wait, dude dumped his lady for his career? How that works, I don't even care to know. Ho hum, ho hum. Usher's billionaire ass is laughing rill hard, possibly stroking a crown. "R&B is mine, you fools!"

Random thought: If The Game was the stripper, why is it 50 that spends all of his time sexin' up the singles? Oh right, shot in the face. Moving on.


Natasha Bedingfield "These Words": Under a different sonic roof she could do something worthwhile, a little less "I'm drunk and singing in the shower." Perhaps she already has. I should really ask the bf if he's heard any of this lady's other tracks.

Weezer "Beverly Hills": This is what the aging Weezer fans waited for? Rivers has all but forgotten how to write lyrics. I know he's all formula these days but shit, shouldn't the narrative voice figure into there somehow. It's so unattractive to hear him bitching; he's rich, and if he's unable to seduce the Asian naughties he wants he should save it for his Myspace blog.

Daddy Yankee "Gasolina": Reggaeton crunk is sort of terrifying. 24 constant hours of loud as shit partying. Lil' Jon is so totally bopping around like a muppet on Adderall all over this track. "Skeet skeet skeet!" What's the basis? No one else can talk about jizzing all over. Didn't he make a porno too? Should look out for that one.

Hitting the showers after that mental image.

Whoops

I guess I should have started this blog at a different time. Since I last posted my neighborhood has lost power for two full days and I've moved to a new, presently internetless house at school. I hope to post again relatively soon, but I can't make promises. If anything else I'll post a Young Jeezy review that I'm starting. Or, you know, more babble about the radio.

Here baby, hold my jacket (and then) 1-2 p.m.

Who wants to count us in?

The Click Five "Just the Girl": There was this band called The Adventures of Jet that I used to listen to all the time in high school. The Click Five would be the bittersweet lovechild of them and that "Teenage Dirtbag" band Wheatus. The DJ introduced the song saying it was written by a dude from Fountains of Wayne, which explains why -- despite being utterly soulless -- the tune is infectious. I hope this causes a bunch of bands to name themselves stuff like The Dick Clark 5 but with sponsors. "That song was 'Ooh, Refreshing!' by The Pepsi Cinco!"

The Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha": Ah, this is the second time this'n has been the second song to be played. Contractually obliged? Nahh. This second spin has aimed my attention on the background (not the Cee-Lo vox), especially the slinky yet punchy horn hits that follow each run through the chorus. If they weren't so far in the back I'd say they were out of place in the best way possible. Like, "Oh shit, this song has a surprising redeeming quality!"

Lifehouse "You and Me": Who knew this band would ever make a comeback? Jesus, this sounds like Creed covering the Goo Goo Dolls. You would think that being way out of the public eye would give you a chance to write (or have someone write) something decent or mildly original. Another tune that gives me the mental image of 16 year olds groping "innocently" in a school auditorium. Oh shit, this is the new "The Reason"!

Nivea "Dont Mess With My Man": I don't see any dude credited on this track, but it seems like he's taking care of most of the singing. Poor session musicians. This cover makes me think this might be that Raven girl:

In other news, this could be a lesser P.Diddy track. Same half-stuttering, half blippy drivel. Huh; the song just ended and I've already forgotten what it sounds like.

Fat Joe & Nelly "Get It Poppin'": Contains one of the most obvious misogynist oral sex suggestion I've heard in some time: " I know you like it / It's written all ova your face, don't fight it / You like it / More than I like it / So put it all ova your face don't bite it." Sleezy! I think Fat Joe sez this is a Scott Storch joint, but it's rather sub-par. I wouldn't be surprised if this started off as a ringtone first.

Papa Roach "Scars": Another band that mercifully slunk off into the background. Why do they sound like Simple Plan? I mean yeah, nu metal is hardly an avenue still worth driving on, but shitty pop punk is hardly a step up. Now they're like The Used lite. Ooh, that bridge is actually sort of nice. Singer with the crazy name actually does a nice job with the softball vocal line the producers threw to him. That's about the nicest thing I can come up with about this.

Alicia Keys "Karma": G'damn! That violin line is both stellar and prominently featured! Good drum production too, if only for the live-sounding qualities. Keys is pretty unremarkable, even though the darker track is sort of a rarity for her. According to the KissFM website, this'n is off the German bonus disc. How did it make it on air?

Ludacris & Bobby Valentine "Pimpin' All Over the World": Those are the livest handclaps I've ever heard! Were they recorded in a stairwell? Ugh, this chorus is horrible. It's like someone Googled "pimping" and wrote down the first 15 things as lyrics. Pretty weak for Ludacris, lacking any humor, skill, or anything else that's made him a worthwhile MC. His whole new album is a disappointment.

Kelly Clarkson "Behind These Hazel Eyes": At the end of the chorus they do this weird octaves part that is usually reserved for the end of songs. I can't remember what they do at the end instead. Ok, they just do the same thing except with more of Clarkson flying all over the register. Could've done way better.

Shakira "La Tortura": I wish they would credit the band she's singing over. Her voice is unnaturally low on this one; I nearly confused her for a dude. A little bit surprised something this "ethnic" flies on national radio, but considering the growing popularity of Hispanic music I guess I shouldn't be. Still strikes me as risky to drop an all Spanish single.

Snoop Dogg & Pharrell "Drop It Like It's Hot": What hasn't been said about this? I still think Pharrell's lines overshadow Snoop by miles. Poor ol' Dogg hasn't said anything worthwhile on a track in years. Reppin' the Crips, though? A1.

D.H.T. "Listen To Your Heart": This song still sucks mightily (fuck you, vague and ambiguous sappy lyrics; you are the problem, not the solution!), so I'm just going to make up what D.H.T. stands for: Dumb Hot Tits, Dead Heart Transplant, Dearth (of) Horrible Trash, Dudes Hurt Tramps, Damn (I) Hate This.

50 Cent "Disco Inferno": I'd be pretty interested to watch 50 listen to the British Disco Inferno. My god, he's just as bad as The Game at recycling other people's lyrics. This is like a primer to the last year of singles. You've got references to Lil' Jon, "Lean Back" and a bunch of other shit hardly worth mentioning. Since dude's made his career of bragging about his bullet wounds, I wish he would do as Jadakiss suggested and take bullets.

Black Eyed Peas "Don't Phunk With My Heart": I wonder what snapped in Will.i.am's head that he decided to ditch decency for dollar signs. I mean, being under appreciated is no fun, but when you resort to writing lines like "if you smoke I'll smoke too, that's how much I'm in love with you"? Bye bye, artistic cred. The only worthwhile section is the brief, Fergie-song bridge, and only because it's impossible to tell it's her.

My tank's outta gas. I'll be back with more later today (have to take tomorrow off).

Lions (not tigers, not bears) 4-5 p.m.

Pens up!

Natasha Bedingfield "These Words": Imagine this is what a British (?) Pink singing for the Black Eyed Peas would sound like. She has the same forced expressions in her voice, the same strain to reach the notes. The beat is as middling as any BEP song too. Slightly uplifting fake orchestra sawing back and forth over a boring boom-bap. She shouts at some point and it's an earsore. I suppose it could catch on with BEP's inexplicable popularity, but I'd be ok if it didn't.

Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha": SFJ already wrote up something about the advent of this song (where that is, I don't know), so I won't bother with its past. Is it just me, or does it sound like Cee-Lo is singing the backing vocals? It's got that same humorous tone to it, like a clown version of Al Green. Whatever, it's sultry but kind of boring.

50 Cent "Disco Inferno": I wonder how many times 50 has to say the same shit on top of a variation of every other single off of Massacre. One time I saw him talking about his lyrics, saying how they were ok for kids to hear. Yeah, dude. I'm sure people really believe "Candyshop" is about confections.

The Killers "Somebody Told Me": Oh my, how my opinion has remained steady about this song yet polarized about the band. Definitely something I catch myself singing along with or mumbling to myself in the shower. Well, I guess if anything I'm less fond of the "BOMP BOMP, CUT TO CHORUS" part. Thanks, I had no idea a chorus was coming.

NB Ridaz ft. Angelina "Notice Me": Who the fuck are these guys? This is one of the worst rap ballads I've heard in a while. Dudes airing their zzz-worthy pillow talk to the public? Ehh! Angelina or whoever sounds like she should be providing backing vox for Kidz Bop stuff, or revisiting 90s Gloria Estefan tracks for drunken karaoke. Redeeming quality: goofy synth/distorted vocal line that comes in once every 20 seconds. Lends no seriousness and no ill.

Sidenote: Radio stations should really avoid putting pics of their DJs on the air. There's a reason they're not in front of TV cameras. Woof.

Kelly Clarkson "Behind These Hazel Eyes": Whoever wrote this for her is on a roll. Not quite as immediately catchy as "Since U Been Gone", but nonetheless anthemic as fuck. There's some fantastic vocal production on here, real Evanescence harmonies that even I won't fuck with, and a bunch of LOUD drum hits. If I walked by a radio playing this without stopping to grip what I'm hearing, it's not unreasonable to think it was just drums and 90348234207 vocal tracks. Everything else just plays support.

Blaque "808": 1999 in the house? Is there a reason this humorously bad track has found its way on air? TLC-biters, all three of you! Check this cover:


Missy Elliot ft. Ciara & Fat Man Scoop "Lose Control": I meant to write a review of this album but never got around to it. I love that this is the first single; it's not even the most accessible song! A friend of mine told me she stole her samples from DJ Assault but I've never been able to verify that. I've been corrected: the sample was from Cybotron "Clear". I had heard similar, but I thought DJ Assault using it was cool... I guess?

Green Day "Holiday": It won't surprise me in the least if we're still hearing singles from this album in 2006. Some have been bold enough to call American Idiot the defining album of the Aughts (00s). Not a very high watermark. Green Day have been writing arena-ready songs since high school, so I guess it's about time someone in pop noticed again. A quick thought: this being GD's most political album lands in a gross political landscape; wouldn't you think it would inspire at least some teeny-boppers to garner an opinion on the war? Right or wrong, I'd think so, but haven't the proof to confirm or deny my suspicions.

D.H.T. "Listen to Your Heart": Piano and... D.H.T. I wish this would have stuck to the worthless WB drama it was spawned from. Feels like a poorly adapted hymn. This tune can nicely fuck off.

Trick Daddy, Ludacris & Cee-Lo "Sugar": Oh, here's Cee-Lo! Trick definitely sez "the best dreams are the wet dreams" within the first 30 seconds of the song. Is he saying he's not getting any? Someone ought to tell him he can clear that right up on his own. The instrumental of this song is so blatantly SUMMER, with the "Spanish" guitar playing quite nicely off synths but less nicely off the harsh drum programming. Couldn't they have opted for hand drums or something? Maybe something that shakes? No?

Frankie J. "How to Deal": Hoo, he doesn't sound so hot when he's not singing Baby Bash hooks. A cheap "You Got It Bad" rip not even good enough to attach to the Mandy Moore movie. Someone round up Bobby McKnight to teach these nu-skools how to write a fucking ballad. Blah.

Avril Lavigne "My Happy Ending": Does she have Linda Perry writing for her too? I stand by my somewhat inaccurate comparison between Avril and Alanis. Canadians stick together, even if the younger was playing blocks while the older was topping the charts. The "you were everything, everything! that I wanted" part is actually kind of nice. The bridge, on the other hand, is dog-whistle high and grating. Imagine all the girls in braces who sing along to this while speeding around in Daddy's car. So much angst!

Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell "Beautiful": Another reset! This beat is so typically Neptunes that it's actually on the bottom of my list of their songs. The entire first N.E.R.D. album does this sort of thing way better: plinky synths, possible live drums. Pharrell sounds pretty good, though, especially his backing coos. Why didn't he ever make a follow up for "Frontin'"? That song was pretty sweet in hindsight.

My hour's up. My secretary will set up our next appointment.

A Test

In the shower (where I do all my best thinking) I was considering my recent intake and enjoyment of pop music. Also in my thoughts was an oppressive cloud of boredom that has covered my brain since my internship ended for the summer. Why not do something constructive with my booming surplus of free time? Hence this blog's creation.

The premise is simple: I sit down and listen to the local pop station (KissFM) for an hour and write about the songs I hear. An exercise in writing commentary in short bursts, if you will. My apologies if this sucks.