Lions (not tigers, not bears) 4-5 p.m.

Pens up!

Natasha Bedingfield "These Words": Imagine this is what a British (?) Pink singing for the Black Eyed Peas would sound like. She has the same forced expressions in her voice, the same strain to reach the notes. The beat is as middling as any BEP song too. Slightly uplifting fake orchestra sawing back and forth over a boring boom-bap. She shouts at some point and it's an earsore. I suppose it could catch on with BEP's inexplicable popularity, but I'd be ok if it didn't.

Pussycat Dolls "Don't Cha": SFJ already wrote up something about the advent of this song (where that is, I don't know), so I won't bother with its past. Is it just me, or does it sound like Cee-Lo is singing the backing vocals? It's got that same humorous tone to it, like a clown version of Al Green. Whatever, it's sultry but kind of boring.

50 Cent "Disco Inferno": I wonder how many times 50 has to say the same shit on top of a variation of every other single off of Massacre. One time I saw him talking about his lyrics, saying how they were ok for kids to hear. Yeah, dude. I'm sure people really believe "Candyshop" is about confections.

The Killers "Somebody Told Me": Oh my, how my opinion has remained steady about this song yet polarized about the band. Definitely something I catch myself singing along with or mumbling to myself in the shower. Well, I guess if anything I'm less fond of the "BOMP BOMP, CUT TO CHORUS" part. Thanks, I had no idea a chorus was coming.

NB Ridaz ft. Angelina "Notice Me": Who the fuck are these guys? This is one of the worst rap ballads I've heard in a while. Dudes airing their zzz-worthy pillow talk to the public? Ehh! Angelina or whoever sounds like she should be providing backing vox for Kidz Bop stuff, or revisiting 90s Gloria Estefan tracks for drunken karaoke. Redeeming quality: goofy synth/distorted vocal line that comes in once every 20 seconds. Lends no seriousness and no ill.

Sidenote: Radio stations should really avoid putting pics of their DJs on the air. There's a reason they're not in front of TV cameras. Woof.

Kelly Clarkson "Behind These Hazel Eyes": Whoever wrote this for her is on a roll. Not quite as immediately catchy as "Since U Been Gone", but nonetheless anthemic as fuck. There's some fantastic vocal production on here, real Evanescence harmonies that even I won't fuck with, and a bunch of LOUD drum hits. If I walked by a radio playing this without stopping to grip what I'm hearing, it's not unreasonable to think it was just drums and 90348234207 vocal tracks. Everything else just plays support.

Blaque "808": 1999 in the house? Is there a reason this humorously bad track has found its way on air? TLC-biters, all three of you! Check this cover:


Missy Elliot ft. Ciara & Fat Man Scoop "Lose Control": I meant to write a review of this album but never got around to it. I love that this is the first single; it's not even the most accessible song! A friend of mine told me she stole her samples from DJ Assault but I've never been able to verify that. I've been corrected: the sample was from Cybotron "Clear". I had heard similar, but I thought DJ Assault using it was cool... I guess?

Green Day "Holiday": It won't surprise me in the least if we're still hearing singles from this album in 2006. Some have been bold enough to call American Idiot the defining album of the Aughts (00s). Not a very high watermark. Green Day have been writing arena-ready songs since high school, so I guess it's about time someone in pop noticed again. A quick thought: this being GD's most political album lands in a gross political landscape; wouldn't you think it would inspire at least some teeny-boppers to garner an opinion on the war? Right or wrong, I'd think so, but haven't the proof to confirm or deny my suspicions.

D.H.T. "Listen to Your Heart": Piano and... D.H.T. I wish this would have stuck to the worthless WB drama it was spawned from. Feels like a poorly adapted hymn. This tune can nicely fuck off.

Trick Daddy, Ludacris & Cee-Lo "Sugar": Oh, here's Cee-Lo! Trick definitely sez "the best dreams are the wet dreams" within the first 30 seconds of the song. Is he saying he's not getting any? Someone ought to tell him he can clear that right up on his own. The instrumental of this song is so blatantly SUMMER, with the "Spanish" guitar playing quite nicely off synths but less nicely off the harsh drum programming. Couldn't they have opted for hand drums or something? Maybe something that shakes? No?

Frankie J. "How to Deal": Hoo, he doesn't sound so hot when he's not singing Baby Bash hooks. A cheap "You Got It Bad" rip not even good enough to attach to the Mandy Moore movie. Someone round up Bobby McKnight to teach these nu-skools how to write a fucking ballad. Blah.

Avril Lavigne "My Happy Ending": Does she have Linda Perry writing for her too? I stand by my somewhat inaccurate comparison between Avril and Alanis. Canadians stick together, even if the younger was playing blocks while the older was topping the charts. The "you were everything, everything! that I wanted" part is actually kind of nice. The bridge, on the other hand, is dog-whistle high and grating. Imagine all the girls in braces who sing along to this while speeding around in Daddy's car. So much angst!

Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell "Beautiful": Another reset! This beat is so typically Neptunes that it's actually on the bottom of my list of their songs. The entire first N.E.R.D. album does this sort of thing way better: plinky synths, possible live drums. Pharrell sounds pretty good, though, especially his backing coos. Why didn't he ever make a follow up for "Frontin'"? That song was pretty sweet in hindsight.

My hour's up. My secretary will set up our next appointment.